Fleed- Twisted Method

Empty a clip to ease my pain.
All I have is hate for everything.
I'll clinch my fist if you insist.
Show you every reason I exist.
So what, so what the fuck you want?
Apologies up front?
Yeah right we fight to let it out, blow.
I want it right now, revengence is a must.
I'm about to bust well that's fucking tough.
I see you blow me off I've had e-fucking-nough
Of this pain and this bullshit
Cuz that's just what it is
I'm getting fucking pissed
Nothin ever seems to go my way never, ever, ever, ever
I'd rather sit and suffer than accept these games you play
Stuck I feel as though I'm fucked
Shit out of fucking luck
But I guess I'll deal with it fine whatever, nevermind
You must be fucking blind if you can't see it's killing me!

Everybody from the front to back
Get in the pit and show 'em where you're at
Where the fuck you at?
Right here right here
WHERE THE FUCK YOU AT?!?

I can feel the thickness of your pain
And I want to wish it all away
You inject filth to excite your brain
I can feel it in your shallow veins.
Please just shut your fucking face
It's just a fucking phase.
Go away give me some space.
Go you need to go home
Leave me the fuck alone
I can't deal with your shit!
Whatever, nevermind!
You must be fucking blind if you can't see it's killing me





*sigh* I realized something today… everything that’s ever gone wrong, every little fucking thing… I’ve blamed on myself. I let myself think that it was my fault and ITS NOT!!!! I’M SOOO BLIND, so blind that I never saw the fact that every time I blow up, every fear, every insecurity about myself and my body, has a direct relation with my mother.

If I said that I hated her it would be a lie. What I feel for her is worse than any hate. She has completely ignored my personal feelings to get attention through any and all accomplishments that I do. Im an object to her, something not worth knowing and today someone told me I was lucky to have a mother like mine… There are worse people that have been mothers but I would never wish such a life on anyone.

I feel like my very mind has been played with. Like someone sat there and has been pulling my strings and I hate it. I would do anything to live without it and its all spawning from one person. I know I sound insane, to a certain degree I probably am, but I feel like I’ve been dreaming for the past 17 years and it’s almost painful to wake. I don’t know who I am. I’ve been doing a Jeckal-Hide thing for far too long, all of it complements of the master..my mother

What could spawn a young woman to say such things about a seemly wonderful mother. If I get new clothes I’m punished, not in the conventional way ( groundings or such). But Im just told about how much “she” sacrifices, and how dare I spend more than six or seven dollars on a shirt or pants. How dare I ask for clothes once a month. How dare I ware something in public that shows any part of my shape or anything beautiful. “ Does anyone else with your stomach wear shirts like that” – Direct quote. This is why I feel ugly, Y I feel like I’m worthless, why I rather blend than to get close to anyone. This is why I don’t speak, date, love, lash out, and try.

Look I’m sry for this. I’ve repressed everything since grade school. I care not to remember what it was like to feel so alone that my only friend was someone I’ve always loathed, and I’m sry if I upset anyone.. I hope this explains any mood swings and such

With love

Marilynn